Tomorrow I get to go to the hospital to take care of miscarriage #2.

I knew there was a problem when I started feeling the symptoms of pregnancy leave my body. Then the cramping came and the spotting, and then my panic.

Last week I went and had an emergency ultra-sound. This time there was fetal pole, but no heartbeat. So at least something grew. The Ob wanted to wait a week to see if there *might* be any improvement, but deep down, even thought I knew I wanted that to happen, I knew it would not.

Today’s ultra-sound only confirmed what I have been feeling all week.

The feelings I’ve been having this week have ranged from sorrow, to madness, to anger and to emptiness. When the doctor told me this pregnancy was not viable, it didn’t even surprise me, I had no reaction. I knew when I saw the positive on the home test something could go wrong, and I added for my own humor the tag, “and because it’s me it probably will.”

They are going to send the fetal tissue to a lab and test it for genetic defects, and in a few weeks I get to be tested for genetic defects. Great, I’m defective.

I have not, however, felt like the world is going to end. I felt like that in October. Back then I spent hours and hours rocking in my chair just looking out at the yard. I’ve only done that once, and only for about an hour. I know there is hope, and I know I will be able to go thru this again. I know that my body will heal and that I can get pregnant again! I know my period will come back....hooray menstruation! I’m not sure my mild insanity will ever go away, but that is manageable.

So, if you need to say a prayer, say one for me and my husband tomorrow about 11 am. That’s when I’ll be out and under.